Life has been interesting lately, to say the least. Something happened to my neighbor, I don't think she's dead but something's definetly happened. School's starting again soon, yes, I'm horrified about seeing my ex and his abusive ass. I'm not sure how I'm feeling outside from those things, I just don't have much to tell, being this my first entry and all - but it's okay. Only thing I can say is - I hope I can go to a rave by the end of summer, if not I'm going to start the school year in a very depressive state.
Hello again, this is my second entry. Today I watched the movie "Black Swan" and I'm obsessed with it now. It's a masterpiece, and if you haven't watched it already, I heavily recommend it. I'm not sure how I'm feeling lately, I guess I'm okay but I'm not sure. I'm getting a ton of inspo to write, however I do not have the energy or will to act upon it. Something not exclusive to today: I made a compromise, but I don't wanna go through with it, also even if I did I won't be able to follow through with it in a couple weeks anyway, I'm not sure what to tell them. Going a bit off topic but having some relation: my mom shits on me for not being able to say no but when I say no she says shit like "wdym no I'm your mom" or wtv. (from here on out im gonna drop the formal way of typing bc i dont have the energy to capitalize or wtv tf. it's my online diary if it bothers u stop reading.) also, im terrified of seeing my ex once school starts, my school's extremely small so i'll fucking run into him one way or another. im just very paranoid and anxious abt what could happen ig. tmr im seeing my friends so that's fun, i love them a lot honestly and im very happy they put up w me and love me the same way i do to them. they're one of the few ppl i feel actually love me, and for once in my life it feels like it isnt a one-sided relationship. also i dont rly feel like im going crazy anymore so that's good. and something else: im celebrating my birthday with my friends like i should nxt week (even though i already celebrated my birthday bc it already passed) so im very happy and escited about that. i feel like it'll be a good year. im scared, but also excited. im starting my graphic design studies, how can i not be. this is a little out of nowhere but, i just want to be filled with pure ecstacy, that's what i want to feel this exact moment, this year, this life. i want to be happy, the type of happiness that fills ur heart, and ur so fucking happy u wanna die. that's what i want. it'll be a good year. it will.
hi, it's me again. well this is my 3rd entry, i dont have much to say, my friends started dating so that's nice! im very happy for them i hope they have a nice relationship. ummmm i have a shit ton of work to do, and 7 days to do it. yay. school starts in a week im terrified, but excited. im gonna start the year well, no matter how hard it is. honestly depression is kicking my ass a little. oh and about that compromise, i found a way to somewhat stop going through with it so that's good! also i feel like shit abt my body so idfk. i have nothing else to say honestly, so until next time? idk.
hey, been a while. i hope everyone's okay, i'm not. life's been kinda shitty for literally this past day, why? well i dont fuckin know honestly, everything jus sorta went downhill at 6 pm yesterday. i fucking hate life and idfk i could just kill myself but ig it's easier to sesh, so i'll do that in a while. i just started school again, after a "long weekend" and, surprise, surprise, im fucking quarentined. fun right? at least this means i won't really be asked any questions, that's fun ig. anyways yk it's that time a day i feel everyone hates me and i dont fit in w my friend group so i hate them in return even if they DONT hate me and i isolate myself so i cant be abandoned or hurt. loving it. another thing, i've been srsly considering deleting all my social media n disappearing online for a while, i genuenly think it's so toxic 4 me. dunno kinda feel like it's a huge cause of my problems. anyways, ain't got much left to say tdy. peace out yall.
hi. it's been a while but im alive. how's the year going? well it isn't going the best, substance abuse is at it's prime, im the most depressed i've ever been, and my insomnia and ed only get better with weed lmao. there's new people in my life that make me rly happy but fuck i cant stop thinking abt everything i do and say bc i feel like they will get tired of me and hate me. im trying to be better, im trying to be okay with the fact that people leave, and if they do it's because they weren't meant for me, but fuck it's hard. my bpd just makes everything worse. there is no hope for me and it's only a matter of time before i simply disappear. im so fucking alone. i can't even get the fucking help i need because my mom says it's "too hard on her mental health" taking me to a psychiatrist. do you fucking know the emotional turmoil, the pain, the suffering, the hurt, EVERYTHING I feel? Yes, you do, because i fucking tell you everytime i beg for you to simply take me to therapy, but you just don't fucking care. and you're going to be sorry when im gone. you're going to regret all the abuse and damage you caused me. and i hope you know: i don't forgive you. aside from that, im just so tired of being alone, so tired of waiting. just so tired. everyday is just a wait for something to push me over the edge, and if it's meant to be, i'll land and die an easy death, have something go my way for once. if not, well, if not then i'll be taken to the emergency room and locked up in the psych ward. idk how to feel, and honestly, i just dont want to feel.
hello again, im here once more, sick & tired of life. everything is going downhill, and im going to slip back into old habits, i think it's time. im not going to kill myself directly, im going to start partaking in habits that'll eventually kill me, slowly. why? idk honestly, but everything is so shitty and im so numb, i cant do this. im so alone. nobody loves me, and nobody loves me the way i love them. i always give & give & give but nobody gives back, and it's so draining. im losing parts of myself, gifting them to people, there's going to be nothing left soon; and i sincerely can't wait. im sick & tired of pleading "don't leave"; please do, and take with you all the humanity i have left, so i can end it all quietly and simply.
it's been a while, i knnow, im not dead heh. i do feel like im backed into a corner though, to clarify -with like 20 knives pointing at my neck- this is literally so fucking stupid but im suicidal over motherfucking math LMAO. i hate math so much. i have a low ass grade like the lowest grade possible, but it's 5% away from going up so there's a bit of hope there. however. i feel like fucking shit because of these crushing expectations from both school AND my mom. I know she only wants what's "best for me" (even though that's VERY questionable imo) but telling me "you're gonna get fucking expelled, and when you do i dont want you to come crying to me" doesn't exactly help. for a little backstory: i had a 60% in algebra and there was an exam - i had a breakdown mid exam and i could not answer anything correctly, so naturally i failed. i begged my teacher for a retake and he said yes, but he wouldn't allow me to get anything higher than a 75%, and i was literally cool w/ that so i studied my ass off. ACTUALLY tried for ONCE. guess what i got. A MOTHERFUCKING 44%. im not even kidding when i say this - that shit made me want to **** ******. [from this point on the journal stops and resumes the next day] Okay so, it's the next day but i was not fucking done so i'm not starting a new block of text. So anyways, clearly didn't **** ******, instead i talked to a counselor, and she told me i actually could not get expelled for failing math! FUCK U AND UR UGLY ASS RATCHET ASS NUMBERS U FUCKING DISGRACE OF A SUBJECT. In other news I painted, i think it's pretty damn cool. also the colors are prominantly blue b/c im in my blue period rn (fucking going thru it). okay well, i think this time i actually let it all out of my chest, so, for real this time, until the next one.
hi people? it's been like a year or two im not sure, i've been keeping my journaling to myself instead of posting here, i have a physical journal that is very very cute but that's besides the point. wow it's been such a long day, and there's so much to talk about since i've been gone for so fucking long holy shit. i'll just talk about the universal experience of growing up, im older now and i'm about to be thrown to the wolves. all i've ever known is the little bubble of waking up early for school, being at school most of the day, and then coming home, of getting an allowance, of not worrying about "adult matters" since they weren't my problem anyways. well im fucking scared because these "adult matters" are going to become my problem now and i dont know what to do about it. nobody taught me, nobody cared to. im just expected to go out there and "figure it out". bitch what if i fucking killed myself.
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